Personal: Healthy Mind

May 02, 2017

There're ton and tons of post that I've planned on 2016. For 2016 and 2017 but at the same time I didn't publish most of them. Not only because I was too selective during the process but I always this "not good enough" dilemma. Especially whenever I saw all those nice picture scattered on the internet. I realize that I'm not some magazine or product stylist or photographer but creating a nice picture and content somehow give me feeling of accomplishment although nobody read it anyway, lol.

Friends of mine once told me not to push myself too much. While focusing on my goals, never forget of what I really want. I always thought that my goals was what I want and I have some certain standard set for myself. Without me realizing it I applied it on my blog in which it should be where I express myself, my opinion, my hobby freely result in I was too scare to post something. I lost the mood moreover, the passion. 

Planned then took some picture but mostly the process stop there without any further do. I though, 

"Oh maybe I need sometime. Need to take more pic so have more option" 

Apparently that's no it. The standard that I set get in my way. I though, 

"Oh no mood. Maybe need some holiday. Should go somewhere spend time with friend" 

Apparently that's not it too. It took some time for me to realized. I once said that having an internet detox could help but after sometime I'm back to my usual self and its getting worse actually. Working in a digital industries demand me keep on up-to-date on current trend, competitor's activity and audience's behaviour and demand. I always love market research. Without me realizing it, I do it. Comparing this with that and so on. While I do research obviously I stumble upon some inspiration for my blog and again, I get down to comparing myself again. So as you see I, myself make it toxic. I depend on it.

Again, there're time my friend scolded me for working when we were together. It just happen, you know. When we hang out obviously there're time we open social media apps and my brain start thinking things for my work. At first I didn't think of it as working. It just "I stumble upon it and its related". But for these few months when I lost the passion to write and work like a robot, I actually think where did it go wrong. Its there. I never let my brain stop comparing. 

I realized it thanks to long weekend on April and lousy home internet connection I didn't have anything to do. After spending time with my friends, going back home like big a no because there's no activity. To the point I threw some old clothes to playing my old PS2 games. That time I realized, when I was younger no matter how tired I was the motivation keep on coming because I listen to what I really wanna do when having fun or doing some productive hobbies fearlessly. In term of challenging myself I'm far better than before but in term of having fun apparently I didn't get any better because I calculate and anticipate few things. Travelling does help but its only last for a while. It gave me experience and zen. I fulfill my lust but it didn't last long. Just like what my instagram caption said when I was on vacation, "Short Escape" lol. Do I regret it? no. I travel when I still have the stamina and friends to travel with and its actually fun to share story with them.

Age, duties and responsibility can limit many thing because its the reality that we need to face. It can actually make us forget simple things like "what do you want?" by times its such a cliche to answer "Happiness" as what you want, right? It has a vast meaning for me. What I really want? right now... is having fun like they way I used to before. How do I do it? Still find a way but one of it was stop comparing without degrading my standard, lol (this still super hard).

Its been month already I want to write this kind of post and in term of feeling better yet? about 20-30% better than before!

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